THREE

Madeline turned three this past week. Three years of more love and joy than I can put into words. She is such a bright, beautiful, silly, spunky, sweet, loving, large person in that little three year old body. I really adore her.
She is very interested in animals, from kittens, to elephants, to hyenas. For the past several months, she has claimed that pigs are her favorite, because they are pink. But she also clarifies that she likes clean pigs, not dirty ones. :)
Anyway, she asked for a pink piggy party, and so that is what she got. I decided that I wanted to somehow make it pretty, even with a pig theme, and I think I pulled it off. (This was actually the first party that I threw by myself, with no help from my sisters, and I was very proud of how it turned out.) It was small, simple, pretty, and piggy. :) Best of all, this was the first birthday where madeline was completely aware that it was HER birthday, and that people were celebrating HER. From the moment she woke up, she could hardly wait to see and eat her piggy cake, and share it with all of her friends.
As far as the theme went, I found a vintage card on Etsy that had the three little pigs on it. So, I ordered it and blew it up, printed and framed the front and the inside. I also had a picture of the pigs put on the cake. Besides that, I just tried to make the table pretty with flowers from my porch, a tablecloth that I got at an antique store, and a few little pig puppets that I got at Michaels. Also from Michaels were the cute little pigs hats that the kids are wearing. They were pretty cute! We had cake and ice cream and the kids played, and it was a perfect third birthday party for our girl.




















Madeline is a blessing and a gift, and I loved getting to celebrate her sweet life with our family and friends.

May 5, 2010

Becca and i sat and waited.I wanted to throw up.But there was nothing in my stomach.
I wanted to run.But there was no where to go.
I wanted to scream. But knew that wouldn't help.
So, we waited.
We talked about the fear. The fear of what we already knew. The fear that time was short. That time was no longer on our side.
we waited some more.
It's hard to describe what it feels like to wait, when you know that bad news is coming. Prayers are short. And they feel empty. Fear crawls all over you like bugs, and you can't escape it.
Then, the call. Melissa said that we needed to wait and talk in person. I reminded myself to breathe. The sun was shining, but I couldn't see it. It felt like time had stopped.
Finally, the waiting was over. We were together, and Melissa shared the horrible knowledge that they had just been given. That time was short. very short. I remember the words: liver, pooped out(strangely casual words for someone who is dying), sorry, months maybe, probably weeks...
Then silence. The waiting was over. The news had been delivered.
I don't remember how long it took to sink in. I looked at my dad. I looked at my mom. I looked at my sisters. My family. The four people in the world who have known me my whole life. My people. My heart. And, here we were, learning that one of us would be gone in weeks. My sweet dad. My mom's precious husband. Madeline's bapa. It was unimaginable. And yet true.
The waiting was over, and the weeping began. We sat in my parents living room, and cried tears of sorrow, for hours. and hours. My dad was not ready to die. He was sick...but not suffering. He had years left in him. A granddaughter to watch grow up. Two daughters to yet walk down the aisle. A wife of 57 to still retire and grow old with. he was not ready to leave us. He told us that he was not scared, but he was sad. To this day, I am relieved that he was not scared, but his sadness was almost as hard. He cried. He asked us to stay with him. Where else would we be? There is nothing that reveals the importance of life like death. In those moments, nothing mattered but the time left, and the people in that room. It was painful. It was precious.It was devastating. I would never trade this time with my family, for anything in the world, yet, I believe there is also mercy in not knowing when death is near. It is really so much for someone to bear.

We had cheeseburgers and ice cream that night. No one had much of an appetite, but it was one of several "last meals", so we ate. I don't remember much of what was said. There is a numbness that comes. A grace I suppose. You can't hold all of the grief and sadness at once all the time, or you would explode.

I will never forget that day. I tasted a sadness I had never known before. I experienced a grief deeper than words. My life and my world would nevr be the same. And, five days later, I said goodbye to my dad, as he left this earth and his family who loves him dearly, and went to be with his savior.

Not-so-terrible Two's

Since Madeline turned two in July, it has been fun, challenging, and wonderful to watch her changing from a toddler to a little person, right before our eyes. ( I know she's still a toddler...and I know toddlers are people, but you know what I mean.)
I look at pictures of her as a baby and feel like that was an eternity ago, and yet just yesterday. Time is a funny thing.
I still look at her every day with awe and gratitude that God, in his goodness and grace, saw fit to make me a mother; Madeline's mother.
Madeline is now 2 years and four months old, and we are constantly amazed at how quickly she picks things up and how much she knows! Her favorite thing in the world is animals. When we get in the car, she says, "Talk about animals!" So we do. We have many books about animals, so she knows the names of every animal you can imagine....porcupine, meercat, armadillo, etc. It's hilarious.
Right now, if you ask her, her favorite animal is a giraffe, because it has a long neck and a long tongue. We may we have a future zoologist on our hands. :) She still loves her abc's and letters. She can now tell us what words begin with what letters, which I think is pretty impressive!
I went back to work full time in September, and it has been very hard for me to leave Madeline every day, but she is doing great with the huge transition. She is with her daddy on Mondays, her aunties on Wednesdays, her Mimi(my mom) on Thursdays, and on Tuesday and Friday mornings she goes to a co-op play group. I was especially worried about her going to the play group twice a week and how she would do with that, and it turned out to be a tremendous blessing. It is five 2 year olds, all from my sister Melissa's church, and the teacher is a wonderful lady named Miss Christina, also from Melissa's church. They go to her house, and she is amazing with the kids, and it is cheaper than any preschool out there. Madeline absolutely adores Miss Christina, and I think those mornings are the highlight of her week. She always comes home with arts and crafts and new songs that she learned.So, all of that to say, Madeline is doing well with her new schedule, but I am feeling more certain than ever that working full time is not for me at this season of my life. I am going to finish this year, because I am committed, but I am going to try very hard to work out part time again for next year. I'm even considering moving down to elementary(yikes) to job share. We'll see!
This past two weeks we have gone to Disneyland three times..the joy of having passes! It was so fun because the Christmas decorations are already up, but the park was not busy at all. We went on Madeline's favorite rides, grabbed coffee, and watched a few parades. Then, our favorite part, at the end of the night, we got to see the fireworks and fake snow. Magical! We have had a wonderful time and will go as much as we can this season.

A New Season

I LOVE fall. I used to be a summer girl, but since I've gotten older, I have come to appreciate the things of fall more and more. I love the cooler temperatures, the holidays and festivities, the apple cider and pumpkin pie...I love it all. So, even though it is still 85 degrees here in sunny So Cal, I am enjoying the knowledge that fall is here, and it is a new season.
This fall is bittersweet, of course, because it brings memories of last fall. My dad's cancer returned last fall, and so from that point on, everything took on a whole new meaning. We didn't know what this year would bring, or how difficult it would be, but we knew that time was limited. We knew that moments were precious, and we savored them. I think we went to four pumpkin patches with my dad last October...just because we could. And now, I am so glad we did. But, it makes this year that much harder. I am thankful for the memories, but I am heartbroken that he is not here to come with us this year.
So, with some sadness, I am welcoming this new season. It will not be the same. But, it is still a beautiful season and I will enjoy it.

Madeline-Isms

Life is very fun and very busy with a two year old!




Madeline has definitely kept us on our toes this summer as she has become a busy, talkative little toddler. I thought I would take some time to write down a few of my favorite phrases she says so that I don't forget. She mostly talks in two or three word sentences, and she repeats everything we say, too.

Some of my favorite phrases she says are:

"Hold you, Mommy"= when she want me to pick her up, which is all the time

"I dotcha"= which is what she says when I hold her, because I tell her " I gotcha" when she is scared.

"Bapa..miss him"= whenever she sees a picture of my dad

"bewful mommy"= she loves to compliment me..and she tells me that I have beautiful hair, or earings, or shirt. It's really cute!

"oh! thanks mom!"= is how she responds to everything we do for her from giving her breakfast to strapping her into her carseat. It's always said with a bit of surprise. :)

At night when we pray, she likes to thank God for EVERYthing. Some of her favorite things to thank him for, besides family, friends, and her swim teacher, are pictures, books, eyes, elmo, hair, and shirts.

Her favorite people to talk about are our wonderful friends the Townes. They recently moved back to CA and live about 2 minutes away with their four sweet children. Madeline loves playing with them, and they all have swim lessons together twice a week. Madeline especially loves talking about PenPen(their youngest, Penelope), and Phil, the dad. I think he might be her first crush because she talks about him all the time, but when we see him she won't look or talk to him and she gets shy and embarrassed. It's hilarious! I am so glad that they moved back and look forward to Madeline growing up with them and loving them like family.

One of Madeline's favorite words, which is not my favorite, is "self!". It is usually said in a not-very-sweet voice about whatever it is that I am trying to help her with, that she wants to do herself, which is basically everything! Unfortunately, she is at an age where her desires are not equal to her abilities, so many times, much to her dismay, I have to do it for her. We are working on a nicer way of communicating what she wants, like, " Can I please try to do it myself, mommy?", said in a charming manner. But, no luck with that yet! :)

She loves to sing her ABC's, and has a good memory when it comes to her letters. She has known all of them and has been able to identify which letter is which since before she was one and a half! She also loves to count, and she counts everything she can. She can count to 20, although 11-20 is usually missing a few numbers here or there.

I feel like time is flying by, and I truly enjoy every day I get to spend with Madeline. I love watching her grow, and change, and learn...she brings so much joy, and I am soaking it up!

Two

Dear Madeline,

It is hard to find the words to express all that I feel for you...impossible actually. But, I want to try. So that years from now you can look back and read this, and maybe somehow, you will know how deeply loved you have always been.



You are two years old now, and I can't believe what an amazing little person you already are. Every day, you learn new things. Every day, you surprise us, you teach us, and you love us.




I truly love every moment I spend with you. I love playing in the backyard with you, blowing bubbles and watering the plants. I love reading books to you, and I love when you say, "more" after every book I read. I love giving you a bath. I love how you enjoy playing in the water and splashing around with your animals. You sure love your baths!




I love taking you for walks and jogs in the stroller..you are so content to be with me and sit and watch the world go by. I love taking you swimming and to the beach. You are so brave and you love to play and try new things. I love taking you to Disneyland..your favorite rides are Small World and Teacups..or "teapups". We have so much fun together, wherever we go. I love being with you....you make me so happy.




Sometimes, you are tired, and you say, "hold you", when you want me to hold you. I love to hold you when you are tired. I love when you put your arms around my neck and say, "mommy." It makes me feel like the most important person in the world, because you need me and want me. When you are scared, you bury your face in my neck, and I love helping you feel safe and protected. When you are in trouble, you grab my face and kiss me so that I won't scold or spank you. (Sometimes it works because you make me laugh!)



I want you to know that you are a gift from God. He knew that we needed you...that we needed your laughter, your smile, your kisses, and your hugs. He knew that we needed a reminder of joy and love...and that's exactly what you are. You have brought so much joy and love to ALL of us when we needed it most.




I also want you to know how much Bapa loved you. He adored you, my girl. We would visit him every day, and his face lit up when he saw you. He couldn't get down on the floor and play with you, but that didn't matter to you. You would climb up on his lap, and he would read you books for hours. You made him feel special and useful and loved. You meant the world to him. His deepest regret was that he wouldn't get to watch you grow up...because he loved you so much. But, I am so glad that you were able to spend your first two years with him. You knew each other, and you loved each other very much. I hope you never forget that.



So, my sweet girl, thank you for the joy you bring. I can not wait to watch you grow. You are treasured deeply. You are loved beyond words.




Happy second birthday..I love you,

Your Mommy

Incomplete

My dad passed away almost a month ago. It is so strange to write that. My dad is gone. I will not see him again in this lifetime, on this earth. I know it...but I don't believe it. Well, I believe it, but I can't get my head around it. And, I really, really, really don't want it to be true.
It feels weird blogging about it, but I don't think many people read my blog, and I like the idea of getting some of my thoughts out. So, here are some of my thoughts.
My dad's cancer came back in September...he had been fine for 2 and a half years. But, it came back in September, and he died May 10. We found out on Wednesday, May 5, that my dad's liver was completely failing and he had weeks to live. Weeks. We had been wishing for decades, hoping for years, and praying for at least months...but no one was prepared for weeks. Can you ever be? I don't really think so. Anyway, he died 5 days later.
They said it would be a peaceful death, that he would get more and more tired until he went to sleep and never woke up. We were thankful for at least that. Unfortunately, that was not the way it happened. Instead of falling into a peaceful sleep, my dad's entire body started shutting down, which led to internal bleeding(unbeknownst to us), which led to a very difficult, painful death. We were all close by when it began, we were around him while he was dying, and we were beside him when he died. It was the longest, most horrific hour and twenty minutes of my life. I was angry. Angry that we didn't know what was going on, angry that he was in pain, angry that they hadn't prepared us for this, angry that he was leaving us so abruptly.
I was also scared. Scared to see my dad suffering, scared that I couldn't handle it, scared that it would never end, scared that I would never be the same...scared because as Melissa's pastor said later that week, we "looked the curse of death in the face.". And it is not pretty. It is ugly, and terrible, and scary.
I am so glad that my dad's story doesn't end there, in his chair, that night. What a sad, awful thing that would be. Although my dad cried out in pain, he also cried out to God, and we have confidence that he saw His Lord as my dad stepped out of this earthly body and into eternity. And thank God for that. I have never been so grateful for the hope of eternal life. Watching someone you love die, really gives new meaning to those words, eternal. life. My dad lives..and I will see him again someday. And I can't wait.
But, for now, knowing that I will not see him again on this earth, my heart is broken. There really are no words to describe the loss that I feel. My father, who I have loved for my whole life, is no longer here. There is a gaping hole, a missing piece, an emptiness that feels so much larger than I could have imagined. The week after he died, we had so many visitors. Family and friends from all over came to be with us..and that was so comforting, knowing that we were not alone in our grief and loss. But, I remember thinking, "How can there be so many people here, and yet the room feels so empty without my dad?" And, I still feel that way. I imagine that that feeling will fade over time..but I know that it will never entirely go away. I will always miss my dad, and I will always wish he was here..with us.
We were always close, but the past few years we grew particularly close. We have been fortunate to live on campus at Hope with my parents, so my dad has been just a dorm building away for four years now. Since Madeline was born, I am used to seeing my dad all the time. And, since September when his cancer returned, I made a point of visiting him daily, even if only for a few minutes. I treasure those times of sitting with him and holding his hand, watching him read to Madeline, talking about my job, discussing the books he was reading, listening to an encouraging song together, sometimes running an errand with him....I knew that he was sick, although I didn't know then how short our time together would be, at least I have no regrets. He knew that I loved him, and he thanked me for all of those visits and little moments just days before he died. At the time, I think I was doing it more for him...because I felt badly that he was home all day, usually alone. But now, I am so grateful that I did that for me, and for Madeline. That time with him was priceless..and I wouldn't trade those memories and moments with my sweet dad for anything in the world.

I don't know what else to say about it right now except that it has been almost four weeks, and I really miss my dad. It's not getting easier yet..it's actually getting harder. It's one thing to not see him for one week, or two weeks, but a month...it's starting to feel really strange. And then knowing that two months will go by, then three, then a year...and I still won't see him? it just doesn't feel right. And it makes me really sad. And a little nauseous. That's the thing about death I guess. It's NOT right. It's not right, and it's not what God intended. That's why he promises that someday there will be no more tears, no more pain, and no more death. How amazing. I can't wait.

The pictures below are were taken between May 5 and May 10, 2010.

The Past Nine Months

As you may have read on facebook, I killed my thyroid. Now you may be wondering "why? why stephanie? what has your thyroid ever done to hurt you?". So, let me explain...

It all started back in September. First, it was shaking hands, then a strangely high heart rate(130-150 resting!),then major hot flashes, no period, dark bags/circles under my eyes, the big D, and losing 10 pounds without trying(awesome). So, I reluctantly made a doctor's appointment. (I have anxiety, and pretty much assume when I go to the doctor that they are going to find out that something is seriously wrong with me, and I'm going to die. But only if I go to the doctor. So, I try not to go. Stupid, I know. ) Anyway, I went to the doctor, after about three weeks of having those symptoms, because I couldn't ignore the fact that something was wrong. My doctor gave me a check up and said that it felt like my thyroid was enlarged. I asked her if i was going to die. Seriously. (side note: I also asked my dentist that once. anxiety sucks.)
So, after blood work and an ultra sound, I found out that I had hyperthyroidism(which explained everything), and I was referred to an endocrinologist. After a thyroid uptake/scan, I was told that I had Graves Disease. If you are like I was and do not know what that it, Graves Disease is when, for some reason, your antibodies turn on your thyroid and start attacking it. I think that is why it enlarges. Then, it tries to fight back, and that's why it is overproducing. The overproduction of the thyroid hormone is what causes the many symptoms. That's Graves Disease in a nutshell.
Although thyroid problems are pretty common, there is not an easy solution to this one. I was given three choices:
A. Thyroid Medication
B. Iodine Radiation to kill thyroid
C. Surgery to remove thyroid

Obviously, the medication seemed like the best, and least permanent option. So, I told Dr.N that I wanted drugs. She informed me that she did not recommend this option, because the drugs have caused liver failure in several cases. To someone whose father's liver is failing, this is pretty bad news. No drugs for me.

It came down to killing my thyroid, or surgically removing it, and I opted for the bloodless, scarless solution.

It is called an ablation, and basically you swallow a pill that your thyroid absorbs, and gradually your thyroid dies. Then, you take synthetic thyroid hormone pills every day for the rest of your life.

It's really not too bad, but here is the downside. We can't try to get pregnant for a year, because of the high dosage of radiation. And, I will probably struggle with my weight for the next several months, to years. Bummer. I REALLy should have lost that baby weight when I had the chance. :)


Although I know that it could be a LOT worse, and I am really thankful that it is completely treatable, it has not been fun to deal with this, on top of everything else going on in my life. I'm really looking forward to this being completely in the past so I can focus on more exciting things like....for example...giving madeline a little brother or sister!

99 Things

I thought this was kind of fun...

Instructions:

Copy the list, bold the ones you've done (with explanations if needed), share with friends. I also added my own touch and put stars by the ones I REALLY want to do.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars- Mexico, Yosemite, Joshua Tree, and probably more...
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii-once with some girlfriends. but you don't want to hear about it. :)
5. Watched a meteor shower-also in Mexico during a summer working for AMOR
6. Given more than you can afford to charity- I'd like to be brave enough to give so that it hurts. **
7. Been to Disneyland- - I wasn't a fan until I had madeline..now I love it.
8. Climbed a mountain- proud to say I have hiked half dome 4 times
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo- AND completely choked.
11. Bungee jumped- no thank you
12. Visited Paris- YES please! **

13. Watched a thunder and lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch**
15. Adopted a child***
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty- a long time ago..I don;t think you can anymore, sadly.
18. Grown your own vegetables***
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France*
20. Slept on an overnight train - poland to germany on a mission trip
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping -several times :)
27. Run a Marathon- 2001..4 hours 48 minutes. I'm still proud of that.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset- thanks to my husband, I actually notice them now
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise -Jon's parent tool us on an Alaskan cruise when we got married. It was awesome.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person**
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors

35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied*****
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person*
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke; I love karaoke..as long as there is alcohol involved
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt*
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa***
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing*
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person*
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris*
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling- in St. Lucia on our honeymoon
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching**
63. Got flowers for no reason**
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma- I have tried but it has never worked out!
65. Gone sky diving - AMAZING experience! I surprised Jon on his 30th birthday.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp- Aschwitz in Poland. It was devastating.
67. Bounced a check - TOO many times
68. Flown in a helicopter***
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy - thankfully my mom did!
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten caviar
72. Pieced a quilt*
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades*
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle - yes, gotta love the bad boys. :)
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person- breathtaking
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car -2002 Nissan Altima..still driving it.
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve- not quite a stranger, but almost
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating -I participated in panamaa..it was pig
88. had chickenpox
89. Saved someone's life- my best friend in high school tried to kill herself by taking all of her heart medication. My dad and I rushed her to the hospital..
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby- my life is forever changed for the better
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee


Copy and Paste if you want to!

Madeline the Explorer

We went up to a cabin in Big Bear a few weeks ago, and it was so nice. Madeline had a great time playing in the woods, which made her daddy proud. He doesn't want her to be a total city girl...even if we do live in orange county.

10 things I Love...

10 Things I Love About Living in the Dorms at Hope..

10. I don't have to go far to take a walk down "memory lane."

9. Concrete walls- they must be good for something..I just don't know what.

8. Two words: FIRE DRILL

7. Sliding glass doors in EVERY room. Can you say convenient?

6. The sound of boys peeing above me never gets old.

5. There is something comforting about knowing that someone will yell "quiet hours" every night at 10:00 on the dot.

4. I look good in florescent lighting.

3. Industrial carpet is firm and flat...I bet it is safer than soft, squishy carpet. and easier to vacuum too.

2. I have a guard (RA on duty) outside my front door almost all of the time.

and the number one thing I LOVE about living in the dorms at Hope is...

1. there is never an awkward silence...because it's NEVER silent!

Fall

We have been pretty busy doing fun, fallish things this month. Most of these pictures are already on facebook, so I'm dong this blog more for memories sake.


We went to Disneyland for their Halloween-Fest. There were so many cute costumes, and Madeline had a great time. I am really happy with the way her costume turned out. I bought the tutu online, and had my mom make the shirt. Madeline did NOT enjoy it when one of the college students was painting her face, so we kept it simple. Overall, I think she makes a cute little clown!







Last week, my sisters and I took Madeline to Disneyland for a few hours. My sisters love Madeline just about as much as I do. It makes me really happy.





We went to the railroad park in Irvine with the MOPS group from my church. This is one of my good friend's daughter, Eden. Madeline loves her so much. She kept giving her hugs, and she didn't want to let go. Madeline loves little girls this age. She likes them to pick her up and play with her. She has a little following at church of elementary age girls. It is really cute!



Another little friend from church, Alli. Madeline and Alli are about a week apart in age.





Another pumpkin patch we went to with my parents...





One more pumpkin patch...


She loves giving kisses...I love the way her eyes are closed.


And, a little update on my dad. He is on his second round of chemo and doing pretty well. He is very low on energy, but not in pain or feeling too sick yet. Thanks for the prayers.