It feels weird blogging about it, but I don't think many people read my blog, and I like the idea of getting some of my thoughts out. So, here are some of my thoughts.
My dad's cancer came back in September...he had been fine for 2 and a half years. But, it came back in September, and he died May 10. We found out on Wednesday, May 5, that my dad's liver was completely failing and he had weeks to live. Weeks. We had been wishing for decades, hoping for years, and praying for at least months...but no one was prepared for weeks. Can you ever be? I don't really think so. Anyway, he died 5 days later.
They said it would be a peaceful death, that he would get more and more tired until he went to sleep and never woke up. We were thankful for at least that. Unfortunately, that was not the way it happened. Instead of falling into a peaceful sleep, my dad's entire body started shutting down, which led to internal bleeding(unbeknownst to us), which led to a very difficult, painful death. We were all close by when it began, we were around him while he was dying, and we were beside him when he died. It was the longest, most horrific hour and twenty minutes of my life. I was angry. Angry that we didn't know what was going on, angry that he was in pain, angry that they hadn't prepared us for this, angry that he was leaving us so abruptly.
I was also scared. Scared to see my dad suffering, scared that I couldn't handle it, scared that it would never end, scared that I would never be the same...scared because as Melissa's pastor said later that week, we "looked the curse of death in the face.". And it is not pretty. It is ugly, and terrible, and scary.
I am so glad that my dad's story doesn't end there, in his chair, that night. What a sad, awful thing that would be. Although my dad cried out in pain, he also cried out to God, and we have confidence that he saw His Lord as my dad stepped out of this earthly body and into eternity. And thank God for that. I have never been so grateful for the hope of eternal life. Watching someone you love die, really gives new meaning to those words, eternal. life. My dad lives..and I will see him again someday. And I can't wait.
But, for now, knowing that I will not see him again on this earth, my heart is broken. There really are no words to describe the loss that I feel. My father, who I have loved for my whole life, is no longer here. There is a gaping hole, a missing piece, an emptiness that feels so much larger than I could have imagined. The week after he died, we had so many visitors. Family and friends from all over came to be with us..and that was so comforting, knowing that we were not alone in our grief and loss. But, I remember thinking, "How can there be so many people here, and yet the room feels so empty without my dad?" And, I still feel that way. I imagine that that feeling will fade over time..but I know that it will never entirely go away. I will always miss my dad, and I will always wish he was here..with us.
We were always close, but the past few years we grew particularly close. We have been fortunate to live on campus at Hope with my parents, so my dad has been just a dorm building away for four years now. Since Madeline was born, I am used to seeing my dad all the time. And, since September when his cancer returned, I made a point of visiting him daily, even if only for a few minutes. I treasure those times of sitting with him and holding his hand, watching him read to Madeline, talking about my job, discussing the books he was reading, listening to an encouraging song together, sometimes running an errand with him....I knew that he was sick, although I didn't know then how short our time together would be, at least I have no regrets. He knew that I loved him, and he thanked me for all of those visits and little moments just days before he died. At the time, I think I was doing it more for him...because I felt badly that he was home all day, usually alone. But now, I am so grateful that I did that for me, and for Madeline. That time with him was priceless..and I wouldn't trade those memories and moments with my sweet dad for anything in the world.
I don't know what else to say about it right now except that it has been almost four weeks, and I really miss my dad. It's not getting easier yet..it's actually getting harder. It's one thing to not see him for one week, or two weeks, but a month...it's starting to feel really strange. And then knowing that two months will go by, then three, then a year...and I still won't see him? it just doesn't feel right. And it makes me really sad. And a little nauseous. That's the thing about death I guess. It's NOT right. It's not right, and it's not what God intended. That's why he promises that someday there will be no more tears, no more pain, and no more death. How amazing. I can't wait.
The pictures below are were taken between May 5 and May 10, 2010.
