I didn't expect to feel this way. I had no idea how this little person would change my life so much, so quickly. It makes me cry just writing that. I can't believe how much I love her.
I'm a teacher, and I will need to be there from 9:00 to 3:30. My school is 5 minutes away. I love my school, and I love teaching. I also love the decent amount of money I make, now that it's my 8th year and I have my masters. ( I have my masters, but I don't know if I'm supposed to write it like this:masters, Masters, or Master's. Terrible!) We have it figured out that Jon will work from home in the mornings. He won't go in to the office until one. Then, since we live on campus, we will have a student watch her from 1-4 until I get home.
I feel guilty just writing that. Guilty and sad. I feel like I am making arrangements for other people to take care of the one thing(person) that God has entrusted to ME, my daughter. I know she's Jon's daughter too, but I'm her mom, and it's different. I know that she will be fine, and she will even be sleeping half the time I'm gone, but that doesn't make me feel much better.
I don't want to be rushed in the morning when I feed her and give her a bath, which she loves. That's one of the most special times we have together. I don't want someone else making her smile, going to her when she wakes up suddenly from a nap crying, feeding her, and playing with her. I want it to be me.
So, at this point, most of you are thinking, "Then just don't go back." I really don't feel like I have that option this year. I've already told Jon that I am not doing this again next year, and I've already started looking for some part time options. But this year, right now, we need the money.
I write that... knowing that many of you have made sacrifices and decisions so that you can stay home with your kids. I really admire that. I feel like it would be impossible right now because we have not planned for it at all, and yet I know some of you are doing it.
So, we'll see. I still have 2 and 1/2 months to debate inside...or maybe even find something part time. But, most likely, I'll go back in November, feeling guilty and sad.
And I'm already dreading it.
7 comments:
Sweet friend, this is something that (almost) EVERY mother deals with! I'm assuming that I will be one of dozens to tell you NOT to feel guilty. You are providing for your daughter! And many times making "sacrifices" isn't enough to pay the bills. It will be harder on you than it will be on her--remember that. She is going to grow up in a loving home, with extended family and friends who shower her with affection and support. Madeline will be healthy, happy and well-adjusted, whether you work full-time or part-time or stay at home. You are a great mom!
Thanks Jen!
I just sent you a message and asked this very question. Steph, I echo Jen on all counts. I want to tell you not to feel guilty but I know it's difficult. Guilt seems to be an issue most moms struggle with (myself included) whether we work or stay at home. We want to do everything in our power to make our children happy and safe. Please know that you are doing that very thing by working to provide for your family, by Jon working at home, and by living close to your wonderful family (those are just a few things that come to mind). I know you will miss her and that will be hard - I don't want to minimize that aspect for you and I wish I could take away the dread you feel. But I hope you will feel less angst over time in knowing you are doing the best thing for your family right now. You are a great mom and Madeline is a very blessed little girl to have such an amazing family.
Okay, I know I'm a lone ranger in what I'm about to say. I know all of society (and most of the church even) will think me judgemental or uncaring or foolish. I know it won't win me a popularity vote. I know it may be conservative and old fashioned. And before I say it, please know I mean it with only LOVE for you, friend!
Stay home!
Yes it's an impossible sacrifice. It makes NO SENSE on paper how we live from day to day. And I know that God doesn't want us to be total morons and throw all wisdom to the wind and be irresponsible in our finances, and flippantly say, "God will provide!"
But this is your child. You're right. She's YOURS. She will not be this age forever. You can't always be with 4 month old Madeline. Or 5 month old Madeline. Or 6 month old Madeline. You get the point.
Please know that whatever you choose, Madeline will fare just fine. She is surrounded by so many people who love her and who will treat her wonderfully. She won't miss a beat. Especially not at this age.
But will you?
It is such a difficult decision. I have been there. And believe me that it's not a luxury to stay home. We don't have MANY of the things our friends do, for the purpose that I can stay home with my babies. But I am confident that we have made the absolute very best decision for our kids. (and, as you know, we're not living in poverty, either!)
And I know that 10, 20, 30 years from now, I will not regret these days for a moment.
You are an excellent Mommy, Steph ... and you will continue to be every bit as excellent no matter what decision you and Jon make.
I just want to be one lone voice to tell you that even if it defies all reason, all logic, all math, you absolutely can make it work financially, if that is the only thing stopping you. ;) Don't let something so small as finances distract you from our Father, who loves to lavish good gifts on His children.
Love you, friend!!
(eek, just waiting for the backlash from this one!)
Edie,
Thank you for the encouraging words, especially about the guilt part. I appreciate it!
Sarah,
Thanks for your honesty. I hear what you are saying 100%. I thought of you several times as I was writing my post actually. I know you had two children here in the dorms, and now you have four. All the while, you have managed on one income.
I can't say that Jon and I can/will do the same thing, but I respect and admire you immensely.
I appreciate you taking the risk of getting your head bitten off or offending someone to tell me how you feel. You don't sound judgemental, uncaring, or foolish to me!
Hey Stephanie......I KNOW how hard this is first hand! I had Emily in November and just 10 short weeks later I was back at work. It was such a sad time for me, but I didn't have any choice either. Brian and I looked at our finances VERY closely. I think Brian looked at it more times than I can count, mainly because he was sick of me dreading the work thing. Anyway, it didn't work for us and it still won't. It's not an easy thing....two nights ago I was bawling because I am lonely. I work full-time and come home to my family and all of my friends who have kids either work part-time or don't work at all. They made sacrifices, but they made sacrifices in ways that aren't options for us. Does that make sense?
I don't have any family who can take care of her....I had to send her to a complete STRANGER! I had nightmares over this.....but now, Linda is one of the best things that has happened for us. She is so loving and creates such a great environment for her kids. Emily is only 10 months old, but I have seen a difference in her socially. Although I would love to be the one to comfort her when she is hurt.....or snuggle her when she is sleepy...or witness every laugh....I know that she is comfortable with others.
I was concerned that I wouldn't be there for the milestones, but God saved her sitting up and crawling for me! She didn't do either of those at daycare, I witnessed them for the first time!
Anyway, I could write a book on this! (I think I already have.) If you ever want to talk with someone who is going through it---I am here for you! Also, Sarah Lyons gave me the tip of going back to work in the middle of the week and that was perfect! I started back to work on a Thursday and only had to work for 2 days until I was back home with her. It made it a lot easier.
I am thinking of you!
Jen,
Thanks for the encouragement!! I appreciate it. I didn't realize how hard it would be because I loved my job before now.
It must have been so hard going back at ten weeks. I'm glad that you are able to see the good in it, and I'm very glad you got the be there for those special firsts.
Thanks again,
Stephanie
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